Mary In Bloom

For a few years I have been saying the same thing, "If I lose some weight, I will get a whole new wardrobe."  I didn't mean I would reward myself by shopping for new clothes,  I was talking about my own clothes that had been hanging untouched in my closet for a long, long time.   I thought I believed that I would and could accomplish this goal and reclaim the mountain of Abercrombie and American Eagle jeans that I could no longer get past mid-thigh, many of which are almost brand new.    

I would have sporadic stints of furiously working out and walking/running with some results, but they were slow and small.  For over the past year I have fluctuated up and down within the same 5 pounds or so.  Until a couple of months ago, I never paid too much attention to my diet.  I made healthy choices most of the time, but didn't really watch my portion sizes.  Also, I like sweets and I like them at night-time.  In February I started a year long fast from alcohol (which has turned into a life-long decision) and I noticed a difference in my tummy and on the scale almost immediately. Not long after that I heard a woman in the nursery at church talking about losing 3 pounds after eliminating Splenda from her diet (something about it binding to the toxins in your body....) and although I only use it in my morning coffee, I dumped Splenda for Stevia and within a week and a half I had lost another 5 pounds.  I was feeling good!  My clothes were getting looser, my face was thinning out, and my runs were easier without the extra weight so I really started watching what I ate and buckled down on not eating after 6 P.M. (This is sometimes unrealistic as I now have a 2nd job in the evening.  If my stomach is growling when I get home at 10, I do eat something small) I really didn't do a whole lot of working out with the exception of a few long walks/runs and I have a very physical job at which I have been blessed to be busy.

People began to comment on my weight loss and compliment my appearance, but I continued to eye the untouched pants and skirts in my closet with a huge dose of skepticism.  There have been times in the past I foolishly tried something on only to be discouraged.  After losing the weight, I was feeling good and had finally gotten to a place where I was ready to let go of all the clothes I had been hanging onto.  I knew I was healthier, happier, and comfortable in my own skin again and if I didn't fit into my old clothes, no matter how expensive some of those jeans were, I was going to take them to the consignment shop and buy some new ones that fit me.  Monday was closet cleaning day.  I started with a skirt that I only wore twice in my lifetime probably about ten years ago -- something I could easily purge and not feel too bad about.  I even said aloud, "Well, I'm never going to fit into you again," but before I started a "give-away" pile with it, I decided to slip it on just to see how ridiculously tight it still was. 

AND IT ZIPPED UP.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!   The realization hit me that I never believed that I actually could fit into any of those clothes again.  Maybe that subconscious futility kept me from really putting my butt into gear and it makes me mad at myself and a little sad that I remained complacent for so long.  Now, I am not one who twirls in skirts, I never have been.  But I did -- I twirled all over my bedroom.  And then I couldn't get it off fast enough to see which of my jeans I could rotate back into my wardrobe.  Guess how many.  ALL OF THEM.  It took me about an hour to pick my jaw up off of the floor.  I can fit into things I couldn't fit into when I met my husband 5 years ago.  Some of you may have seen a recent facebook post of some pants I wanted feedback on (many people find them to be hideous, but I just adore them) -- I cannot remember the last time I was able to wear them (mom and dad have been thankful for that). 

Seeing this substantial progress has been such an encouragement to me; my workouts at the gym have been amped up and I am once again pushing myself in the area of strength training.  The only thing more satisfying than seeing sweat drip off of you at the gym is the feeling of soreness that sets in the next day.  It just feels like a job well done.  And to tell you the truth, being 32 pounds lighter feels pretty darn good too.

And so victory is mine!

I hope people don't read this and think that I find my self worth in a pant size or a number on the scale because regardless of my size, I love who I am and I never forget that I am God's masterpiece - being a little overweight did not change that.  I do, however, think it is important to be healthy and to take care of this body that I have been blessed with; after all, it is a temple for the Holy Spirit.

This is less about losing weight and more about operating at optimum performance.  Looking back on my life, some of my best times have been when I felt amazing physically -- when I was strong and had the energy to do anything I wanted.  I am now reclaiming that power and harnessing that strength and energy to do whatever God calls me to do for the glory of His kingdom.  What seemed to be a weight-loss journey was actually an awakening of a lion within me -- a lion that will roar into all the corners of my life -- while wearing cute jeans.

 

On Thursday I wore my old crucifix.  I couldn't find the cross Brandon gave me for Christmas and then remembered the crucifix my parents bought me when we were in Florence, Italy during Easter vacation 1989.  I remember vividly the care I took in picking it out and that I wanted it to be very simple so the focus was on Jesus.  We traveled from Florence to Rome and the Vatican City where I was able to have the crucifix blessed by Pope John Paul II.  Even after I wandered from my faith, the crucifix remained special to me though I seldom wore it because it is made of yellow gold and I prefer white gold or silver.

As I was wearing the necklace, several memories surfaced of my time in Catholic school and Catholic church.  Many people who have known me over the course of my life would be surprised to hear that I was a devout young girl.  I am not even sure that my parents knew the extend of my love for Jesus and our Father.  I guess that kind of love can develop when you attend mass literally six days a week at that age, but it had more to do with the Priest than the rituals, the kneeling, and standing in line for communion. 

His name was Father Francis and he was from Kenya.  His skin was like ebony, his voice sweet to the ears, and out of his eyes shone the light of God's love.  He was hard to understand because of the accent and how quickly he spoke, but God's message was being delivered through his warmth -- you just felt that God had His hand on this man when you were around him.  Even as a 6-9 year old girl it was obvious that he was close to God. 

When I had my first confession, the nuns explained to the class that we had two options: we could enter the confessional booth and kneel in front of a screen that separated us from the listening priest or we could enter the other side of the booth where we would kneel in front of the priest face to face.  I longed to come clean before God and from what I understood at that age, the priest had a direct line to Him so of course I chose the face to face option.  I entered the confessional, quietly knelt behind him (he was facing the other way waiting for the next student to enter), and finally cleared my throat to alert him to my presence.  By the surprised look on his face, and the fact that I seemed to have startled him, I think it is safe to say that not many people chose to divulge their sins eye to eye with their priest.

It was during this time of my life that I knew I wanted to devote my life to God.  I decided I would become a nun which was to me the next best thing to a priest.  A priest was able to preside over mass, bless the communion bread and cup, and most importantly, he could talk directly to God.  But alas, I was a girl.  Although I felt this highly unfair, I couldn't think of a better way of showing my love for God:  to be the most devoted nun I could. 

What happened?  I don't know......boys?  I certainly couldn't be a nun and get married and have babies.  Also, we moved to Germany and stopped attending church regularly.  My faith slipped quietly away and left a hole that I tried to fill with way too many different things.  All the wrong things.  Mom and Dad tried to have conversations with me and ignite the spark of faith within me again by inviting me (read: forcing me) out to church with them.  I had made up my mind, not necessarily to what I would believe in, but what I would NOT believe in. 

Praise God that isn't the end of my story!!  My husband entered my life (with God's light of love shining out of his eyes just like Father Francis) and my slow journey back to faith began.  My heart was stirred at Jennies Branch Baptist Church during one of his Uncle Robbie's sermons and I started listening to Southland Church out of Lexington, Kentucky on my iPod.  I kept all of this private, this exploring of my lost faith, until I announced to Brandon that I wanted to find a church.  We began attending Barefoot Church in December 2009 and then in January 2010 under the sound of Pastor Clay Nesmith's voice, I surrendered and gave my life to Christ.   Not only is my life not the same, I am not the same. 

Easter is tomorrow and I have been reflecting.


And I have a direct line to God. 

I will begin by saying that I enjoy a glass of red wine, a pint of dark beer, and an occasional margarita (on the rocks with salt).  For some time now I have felt led to fast all alcohol, toying with the idea of doing it for a month or two. God had other plans.  As I was praying this morning He made it VERY clear.  365 days.  I swear I actually heard His voice.  It's not that I think I have a problem, but it is an indulgence that I do not need in my life.  We are having steak for dinner later this week and I know I will miss that glass of Cabernet with my meal, but I am actually really looking forward to this challenge and what will be revealed to me. 

In a recent sermon, Pastor Shonn Keels talked about fasting with purpose.  It is obvious that abstaining from all alcohol has its health benefits, but I wanted a deeper challenge.  I wanted to cut something out of my life while enriching my life with something else.  I am already in the Word more; between our New Testament class with Pastor Jonathan Lawson and my morning devotional time, I am well on my way to hiding His Word in my heart (Psalm 119:11).  I truly believe that the extra time I have carved out of my day to spend with God has helped me to hear Him with more clarity.  I did not have to pray long on what my purpose was to be during this fasting and I cannot explain with my mere words what it is like have a revelation smack in the core of your heart or the joy that comes from knowing you are connected directly with the God of the universe. 

During the span of 365 days, I will attempt to memorize the Sermon on the Mount.  The seed was planted several months back when I heard Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church say that his father had memorized it.  I saw the Sermon on the Mount described as "How to live a life that is dedicated to and pleasing to God, free from hypocrisy, full of love and grace, full of wisdom and discernment."  I know it is not going to be easy, definitely harder than giving up the alcohol, but may be one of the most worthwhile tasks I have tried to tackle thus far in my life.  Last year Pastor Clay challenged the staff at Barefoot to memorize the Book of Titus (it being about leadership).  In the beginning I would often hear staffers reciting to each other in various parts of the church, but that didn't last long.  I have often wondered how many people completed that challenge -- I had heard that Greg and Krista Hoff had done it, but have never asked.  The staff at Barefoot are dedicated, committed people and that many of them did not finish this task speaks of how difficult an undertaking it must be. 

The Sermon on the Mount begins at Matthew 5:3 and ends at Matthew 7:27.  It consists of 107 verses and contains about 2000 words.  In it Jesus talks about the character of those of the kingdom of heaven (the Beatitudes), he expounds on the Ten Commandments, he teaches about prayer, fasting, money, and warns of false prophets.  The Sermon on the Mount is Jesus telling us how to live -- perfect for carrying in the heart as we are living our daily lives.  Pastor Clay gave us a formula today that I am putting into practice.  H3 = world changer.  Head, heart, hands.  The Word in my head, transforming my heart, coming out through my hands, my actions. 

It is a daunting task, but one that I know will help me grow in my walk with Christ (increase my "stride",  so to speak) and make me a brighter light for others to find their way to Him and experience the joy that only He can bring. 

2 Timothy 3:16-17

Belonging to a "life group" has been such a major part of my growth as a person, in my faith, and has helped me to feel very connected in a church as large as Barefoot.  Many Hands, One Heart (our group) has been meeting for going on two years now and is comprised of a mish-mash of people.  Many life groups form based on age or other common bonds, but One Hearters initially drew people in due to the fact that child-care was available.  Dad, Mom, Brandon, and I - though we didn't need childcare - joined so we could belong to a life group with my sister Leslie.  Since then we have had people move on, but have had many others join, usually because they knew someone else in the group.  We participate in studies, fellowship, and pray for one another.  I love every single One Hearter and have been so thankful to come together with them once a week.  I cannot count how many times our Thursday nights uplifted me when I truly needed it.

We took some time off around the holidays because of everyone's busier than usual schedule and finally met again last Thursday.  Our facilitator, Darrell, presented us with a predicament.  He and his wife Angela have extremely busy schedules for the next 6-8 weeks so they gave us a choice of taking an extended break, having someone else facilitate in their absence, or a rotation of people facilitating.  We agreed upon a rotation and felt it might be beneficial for us to review the previous weekend's sermon -- this gave everyone at least a jumping off point.  When it came time for someone to volunteer for the first week, no-one was saying anything.  I began to think maybe I should do it, but was boring a hole in my Dad's head with my eyes hoping he would step up, but he was deep in conversation with Mike.  Should I do it?  Brandon jabbed me in the leg and said quietly, "You should do it!"  Before I knew it my mouth was open and somehow words were coming out saying, "I'll do it."

Gulp.

I always take notes during the weekend message, but as Pastor Lucas Board was preaching, I was also thinking ahead to what we might talk about on Thursday night.  The first piece of scripture he used was from Ezekiel 37 and I immediately heard the Casting Crowns' song "Spirit Wind" in my head.  This is a song that has captured my imagination and actually pushes me forward in my reading of the Bible - I have very much been anticipating reading the book of Ezekiel in its entirety.  I started it one night after my regular reading plan to see what it was all about and thought, "Wow, this is a lot different from the other books I have read".  I decided to read the rest of it when I get there.

Now, I am not a Bible scholar and I am definitely not a teacher so I began to search the internet for a lesson on Ezekiel 37 that I could follow and supplement.  I found one and typed up the questions for the group and kept the entire study (questions and answers) for myself.  Initially I felt that this was going the easy route (cheating), but I have since realized that in this endeavor I am learning too.  I am not only learning about this passage of scripture, but about teaching the Word of God, and stepping out of my comfort zone. 

As I was preparing everything, Brandon kept commenting on how proud he was of me -- I just kept telling him to be quiet so I could concentrate!  After I was done I looked at him and said, "I am so not qualified to do this".  He said, "You didn't have to volunteer because I told you to".  I said, "I didn't.  My mouth just opened up and words started coming out."  He then told me what I already knew -- that it was a push from the Holy Spirit.

Laying in bed last night once again I began to think of how I am not qualified to be teaching anything from the Bible.  I was nervous, tossing and turning, and wondering if I would get any shut-eye.  And then like a lightning bolt, Lucas Board's words from last weekend's message hit me full force.  "God does not call the qualified.  He qualifies the called."  Finally I had some peace and was able to get a good night's sleep.

I am still nervous and will be all day, but I have a couple things on my side.  These people love me and support me.  I am being obedient to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and God will bring the strength, peace, and the words I need for me and and my fellow One Hearters to dive a little deeper and extract a more clear message from His Word. 

     Living in as many places as I have and no longer being geographically close to many of my friends, I have been a long time advocate and defender of Facebook.  Last month, however, there was family member with whom we were trying to reach on the phone.  It was frustrating because she would not answer her phone or return missed calls, but I saw that she was constantly on Facebook.  I not only felt hurt, but a little self-righteous.....until I took a closer look at my own Facebook usage.  The few close friends I do have, I maintain real time or phone time relationships with so I am not guilty of replacing the real connections with Facebook messages.  I did realize, however, that I always started my morning logging in to Facebook with my breakfast and morning coffee or tea only to find that time had slipped away from me and I had to start getting ready for work NOW!  In my defense, I was not spending all of that time on Facebook, but it would start there and then I would end up googling this that or the other and my morning would slowly be whittled away.  I decided to take a break from Facebook to see how much time I would gain in a day and what could be done in that time.  I saw a difference in my life almost immediately.  Oh, the things that were getting done BEFORE work....it rocked my socks off!!  I'd get up, go on a run, unload the dishwasher, scrub the bathroom, fold a load of laundry, and ta-da!  The house was staying tip-top with seemingly no effort!  With the house taken care of I was finding that I didn't feel like I needed to rush home and so Brandon and I began to hit the gym on a more regular basis.  I also found that our time at home together was more "together", even during the times he was playing a video game and I was reading (instead of being on the computer) we were sitting with each other occasionally chatting and definitely snuggling.  One of the things I wanted to do more of during what I began to call my "Facebook Fast", was to be in God's Word more.  With all the company we had this month and preparing for and enjoying the holidays, this was not accomplished, but I am now poised and ready to dive straight in.  I am not sure when I will log back in, but I know that I want to keep living without as much Facebook and more real life.  I wasn't  spending as much time on Facebook as I know a lot of people do, but even the small amount of time I was could be better spent doing something more worthwhile and I want to keep it that way.

     A church out of Wilmington, NC challenged its members in 2010 to choose a word to help shape their coming year instead of making a list of resolutions.  I heard about the challenge last year on K-Love and was inspired by the abstract kind of motivation it could unleash in my life.  They have a website to help you get started and write about your journey: http://www.myoneword.com/.  Last year my word was "bloom" and, as you may have guessed, became the catalyst for me to start my blog.  As 2011 drew to a close, I started to think about what my driving word would be for 2012. I noticed immediately that I was feeling pretty protective over the word "bloom" and was upset that I was going to have to trade it in for a new word.  "Bloom" really did have a presence in my life throughout the year and it really was the perfect word as I was growing in my new Christian life.  I could never have guessed that a single word could have had such a profound impact on me and the person I'm becoming and now I had to replace it!  How could another word possibly even measure up?