Mary In Bloom

It's that time of the year again!  I will start out by saying that my one word last year was "Communion" and I wanted to spend quality time in the presence of God every day.  I can tell you that although I spent some wonderful time in our Creator's presence last year, it certainly wasn't as often as I had wanted or anticipated.  That's not to say I didn't talk to Him every day because I do feel I hold an ongoing "conversation" with Him all day every day, but I longed for something deeper.  And on a couple of occasions it happened -- because I made the time for it.  He is always there waiting to commune with me, but I have to meet Him halfway and I didn't always do that.  When I did, being in His presence was spectacular, life affirming, directing, humbling, and absolutely indescribable.  I DO feel as though I have scratched the surface of what prayer can be and I know that what I experienced last year on my knees is just the beginning of a deeper relationship with Jesus. 

Last year was a very eventful year for me and Brandon!  Sacred Willow Spa expanded into the next suite in July/August, I led my first small group at church, Brandon was promoted at Meadowlands, my brother-in-law, Andrew, married his long time love, Caroline in October, and we found out we are expecting our first child, a son named Everest Henry, due in June 2014.  God has truly blessed us!  Most who know us know that we prayed for a child for 46 months before finally getting pregnant.  It wasn't always easy, but I could see God's Hands at work in our lives in preparation for this child and I am thankful He made us wait.  And I can say it was a true lesson in patience that I will carry with me for the rest of my life and I will always trust in His wisdom and sovereignty. 

So.......with so much growth in our lives last year, it was easy to choose my one word for 2014.  Balance.  When I say "balance", I don't mean dividing my focus even-steven across the board.  I truly feel I need to keep my eyes fixed on the Lord for his leading and direction in every aspect of my life.  Adding a child to my already busy life is going to require close communication with God on how and when to invest my time.  With a family owned business, a full book of clients, and a God inspired passion for my chosen profession, I will continue to work.  I know I need the guidance of the Holy Spirit to help me balance my time and energy between raising Everest, being a wife & companion to Brandon, a homemaker, serving in my church, being fully present in my business, and taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  I pray for God-balance and discernment this year so I will know when to scale back in one area to give more of myself in another.

Since announcing my pregnancy, I have found that a lot of people have strong opinions as to how my life should look after Everest is born.  What is important to me and what God calls me to do is not going to be the same as the next person.  I am going to be best mother I can be, but I also plan on continuing to be the best healer/massage therapist I can be because that is who God has designed me to be.  I plan on enjoying every moment of the six weeks of maternity leave I get to spend with Everest, but I know I will return joyfully to work (although I am sure I will be counting down the seconds until I get to hold him in my arms at the end of the day).  Today is the 2nd of two snow days we have had here at the beach and I can tell you that although I welcome the rest, my heart was disappointed I wasn't going to work today.  I don't know too many people who feel that way about their work.....I am blessed to have that passion.  So my prayer is to balance my time and energy, but also to listen God about what I should be doing and ignore what others have to say about my life.  Brandon and I will listen to God and He will direct the path for OUR family.  I pray that we will be a light for Everest, that he will grow to love Jesus as much as we do.  I hope he sees that everything we do is in worship of Him, our savior.  I want him to know that he is never alone, that God is always with him and that He has had a plan for him since the beginning of time.  I cannot wait to meet our little blessing.

I picked Romans 12:2 for my 2014 guiding scripture --


I particularly like The Message version of this verse (which actually includes the verse before it):

I did not recognize it as a calling as I was reading Running with the Buffaloes by Chris Lear and "sports massage therapy" was mentioned, but something within me stirred and I thought, "hmmmm..."  I did not run right out and register at the local massage therapy school or even request information on a program, instead I continued attending classes with the intention of majoring in dietetics (until I realized how much chemistry would be involved).  I did, however, continue to stumble across it in my thought processes from time to time -- turning it over in my mind and wondering, "what if?".
 I enrolled at the National Massage Therapy Institute in Falls Church, Virginia approximately three years after Lear's book lit the smallest of sparks in me and I had never actually received a massage myself.  Truth be told, up until seeing the word "sports" in front of massage therapy, I had always pictured massage as a luxury that bored housewives indulged in after a day of lounging on the couch and eating bon-bons.  I have always had an interest in the human body and if you had asked me as a senior in high school what I wanted to do, I would have told you athletic training or sports medicine.  I got side-tracked and I lost my way and tried on many different hats, but the point of all of this is that even while I was very, very far away from God, He was designing His destiny for me.  He was speaking into my soul and aligning me and my talents for Him and His glory.  I will never stop being grateful or stop tearing up when I think about His patience with me or how it must have broken His heart to see me do the things I did to myself.
I try to bring God's light with me into the massage room every day and I pray for His healing for all of those on my table and I will always love being a vessel for Him in this way, but I know He is calling me to do other things for His Kingdom.  I am seeking His will and listening for His voice, but until I see what direction He is pointing me in, I will take small faithful steps of obedience because I know they are building blocks that will eventually position me where He can use me the most. 
Recently Brandon and I were approached by our pastor and his wife about taking on a small role in the church.  If it had been just about anything else in the world, we would have immediately said yes, but this involves getting up in front of the whole congregation every Sunday if only for a few minutes at a time.  Really?  The one thing in this world that absolutely terrifies me???  But I trust the Graingers and know this was something that they had prayed about before they brought it to us.  I also believe that God calls us to be better versions of ourselves for Him.  This is one of the reasons I love my church so very much; Pastor Lucas challenges us to step up and live out our faith instead of passively listening to sermons Sunday after Sunday.  He is equipping us to equip others to share the Good News of Jesus Christ, have deeper intimacy with our Heavenly Father, and walk in harmony with the Holy Spirit.  While I was seeking a new church a little over a year ago, I had one major requirement - that it meet the standard set in Ephesians 4:11-13

This will be the third year I have chosen "my one word" to help me focus on how I want my life to change in the coming year.  In the past two years the words I chose ("Bloom" in 2011 and "Stride" in 2012) were broad in their scope and did indeed reach into all the corners of my life.  There was a blossoming that took place in '11 and I can assure you that change really picked up momentum in '12.  And how grateful I am. 

It is truly supernatural - driven by the Spirit - how much different life looks today than it did a year ago. I met a woman who attends Port City Community Church (the church that "my one word" originated from) and we had a conversation about how God really does work through your "one word".  I know this to be true which is why I think I will always have a "one word", not just for a daily reminder of where my focus should be, but to ask God to join me. 
My one verse last year was Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

My year started with that verse, but it seems have come to a close with another - Romans 5:3-4
And that is the rock that I stand on today.  Who could ask for anything more?  Well, I am going to keep on asking (Matthew 7:7).  I know Jesus is my rock, but I want to know Him more.  I want to spend this year resting on that rock.

My one word for 2013 is:
com·mun·ion
I spent the early part of 2012 spending time with God every morning -- something I was encouraged to do in a class at Barefoot Church with Pastor Jonathan Lawson where I truly felt I was being discipled.  As my year progressed in a whirlwind and the class came to an end, I slowly let this special time alone with God fall by the wayside.  Having experienced the richness of what that kind of intimacy with God can be like, I certainly have felt that my days are missing something.  Don't get me wrong, I still talk to God ALL the time and I do hear Him, but I am thirsty for more.  I need our alone time back.  I want Him to speak into my heart through His presence and His Word.  I desire both rest and revelation.  I am ready to slow down, take a deep breath, and commune with Him every morning.  I will come to Him in worship, with thanksgiving, with longing, in supplication, and without expectation because He is my heart's desire.

For a few years I have been saying the same thing, "If I lose some weight, I will get a whole new wardrobe."  I didn't mean I would reward myself by shopping for new clothes,  I was talking about my own clothes that had been hanging untouched in my closet for a long, long time.   I thought I believed that I would and could accomplish this goal and reclaim the mountain of Abercrombie and American Eagle jeans that I could no longer get past mid-thigh, many of which are almost brand new.    

I would have sporadic stints of furiously working out and walking/running with some results, but they were slow and small.  For over the past year I have fluctuated up and down within the same 5 pounds or so.  Until a couple of months ago, I never paid too much attention to my diet.  I made healthy choices most of the time, but didn't really watch my portion sizes.  Also, I like sweets and I like them at night-time.  In February I started a year long fast from alcohol (which has turned into a life-long decision) and I noticed a difference in my tummy and on the scale almost immediately. Not long after that I heard a woman in the nursery at church talking about losing 3 pounds after eliminating Splenda from her diet (something about it binding to the toxins in your body....) and although I only use it in my morning coffee, I dumped Splenda for Stevia and within a week and a half I had lost another 5 pounds.  I was feeling good!  My clothes were getting looser, my face was thinning out, and my runs were easier without the extra weight so I really started watching what I ate and buckled down on not eating after 6 P.M. (This is sometimes unrealistic as I now have a 2nd job in the evening.  If my stomach is growling when I get home at 10, I do eat something small) I really didn't do a whole lot of working out with the exception of a few long walks/runs and I have a very physical job at which I have been blessed to be busy.

People began to comment on my weight loss and compliment my appearance, but I continued to eye the untouched pants and skirts in my closet with a huge dose of skepticism.  There have been times in the past I foolishly tried something on only to be discouraged.  After losing the weight, I was feeling good and had finally gotten to a place where I was ready to let go of all the clothes I had been hanging onto.  I knew I was healthier, happier, and comfortable in my own skin again and if I didn't fit into my old clothes, no matter how expensive some of those jeans were, I was going to take them to the consignment shop and buy some new ones that fit me.  Monday was closet cleaning day.  I started with a skirt that I only wore twice in my lifetime probably about ten years ago -- something I could easily purge and not feel too bad about.  I even said aloud, "Well, I'm never going to fit into you again," but before I started a "give-away" pile with it, I decided to slip it on just to see how ridiculously tight it still was. 

AND IT ZIPPED UP.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!   The realization hit me that I never believed that I actually could fit into any of those clothes again.  Maybe that subconscious futility kept me from really putting my butt into gear and it makes me mad at myself and a little sad that I remained complacent for so long.  Now, I am not one who twirls in skirts, I never have been.  But I did -- I twirled all over my bedroom.  And then I couldn't get it off fast enough to see which of my jeans I could rotate back into my wardrobe.  Guess how many.  ALL OF THEM.  It took me about an hour to pick my jaw up off of the floor.  I can fit into things I couldn't fit into when I met my husband 5 years ago.  Some of you may have seen a recent facebook post of some pants I wanted feedback on (many people find them to be hideous, but I just adore them) -- I cannot remember the last time I was able to wear them (mom and dad have been thankful for that). 

Seeing this substantial progress has been such an encouragement to me; my workouts at the gym have been amped up and I am once again pushing myself in the area of strength training.  The only thing more satisfying than seeing sweat drip off of you at the gym is the feeling of soreness that sets in the next day.  It just feels like a job well done.  And to tell you the truth, being 32 pounds lighter feels pretty darn good too.

And so victory is mine!

I hope people don't read this and think that I find my self worth in a pant size or a number on the scale because regardless of my size, I love who I am and I never forget that I am God's masterpiece - being a little overweight did not change that.  I do, however, think it is important to be healthy and to take care of this body that I have been blessed with; after all, it is a temple for the Holy Spirit.

This is less about losing weight and more about operating at optimum performance.  Looking back on my life, some of my best times have been when I felt amazing physically -- when I was strong and had the energy to do anything I wanted.  I am now reclaiming that power and harnessing that strength and energy to do whatever God calls me to do for the glory of His kingdom.  What seemed to be a weight-loss journey was actually an awakening of a lion within me -- a lion that will roar into all the corners of my life -- while wearing cute jeans.

 

On Thursday I wore my old crucifix.  I couldn't find the cross Brandon gave me for Christmas and then remembered the crucifix my parents bought me when we were in Florence, Italy during Easter vacation 1989.  I remember vividly the care I took in picking it out and that I wanted it to be very simple so the focus was on Jesus.  We traveled from Florence to Rome and the Vatican City where I was able to have the crucifix blessed by Pope John Paul II.  Even after I wandered from my faith, the crucifix remained special to me though I seldom wore it because it is made of yellow gold and I prefer white gold or silver.

As I was wearing the necklace, several memories surfaced of my time in Catholic school and Catholic church.  Many people who have known me over the course of my life would be surprised to hear that I was a devout young girl.  I am not even sure that my parents knew the extend of my love for Jesus and our Father.  I guess that kind of love can develop when you attend mass literally six days a week at that age, but it had more to do with the Priest than the rituals, the kneeling, and standing in line for communion. 

His name was Father Francis and he was from Kenya.  His skin was like ebony, his voice sweet to the ears, and out of his eyes shone the light of God's love.  He was hard to understand because of the accent and how quickly he spoke, but God's message was being delivered through his warmth -- you just felt that God had His hand on this man when you were around him.  Even as a 6-9 year old girl it was obvious that he was close to God. 

When I had my first confession, the nuns explained to the class that we had two options: we could enter the confessional booth and kneel in front of a screen that separated us from the listening priest or we could enter the other side of the booth where we would kneel in front of the priest face to face.  I longed to come clean before God and from what I understood at that age, the priest had a direct line to Him so of course I chose the face to face option.  I entered the confessional, quietly knelt behind him (he was facing the other way waiting for the next student to enter), and finally cleared my throat to alert him to my presence.  By the surprised look on his face, and the fact that I seemed to have startled him, I think it is safe to say that not many people chose to divulge their sins eye to eye with their priest.

It was during this time of my life that I knew I wanted to devote my life to God.  I decided I would become a nun which was to me the next best thing to a priest.  A priest was able to preside over mass, bless the communion bread and cup, and most importantly, he could talk directly to God.  But alas, I was a girl.  Although I felt this highly unfair, I couldn't think of a better way of showing my love for God:  to be the most devoted nun I could. 

What happened?  I don't know......boys?  I certainly couldn't be a nun and get married and have babies.  Also, we moved to Germany and stopped attending church regularly.  My faith slipped quietly away and left a hole that I tried to fill with way too many different things.  All the wrong things.  Mom and Dad tried to have conversations with me and ignite the spark of faith within me again by inviting me (read: forcing me) out to church with them.  I had made up my mind, not necessarily to what I would believe in, but what I would NOT believe in. 

Praise God that isn't the end of my story!!  My husband entered my life (with God's light of love shining out of his eyes just like Father Francis) and my slow journey back to faith began.  My heart was stirred at Jennies Branch Baptist Church during one of his Uncle Robbie's sermons and I started listening to Southland Church out of Lexington, Kentucky on my iPod.  I kept all of this private, this exploring of my lost faith, until I announced to Brandon that I wanted to find a church.  We began attending Barefoot Church in December 2009 and then in January 2010 under the sound of Pastor Clay Nesmith's voice, I surrendered and gave my life to Christ.   Not only is my life not the same, I am not the same. 

Easter is tomorrow and I have been reflecting.


And I have a direct line to God. 

I will begin by saying that I enjoy a glass of red wine, a pint of dark beer, and an occasional margarita (on the rocks with salt).  For some time now I have felt led to fast all alcohol, toying with the idea of doing it for a month or two. God had other plans.  As I was praying this morning He made it VERY clear.  365 days.  I swear I actually heard His voice.  It's not that I think I have a problem, but it is an indulgence that I do not need in my life.  We are having steak for dinner later this week and I know I will miss that glass of Cabernet with my meal, but I am actually really looking forward to this challenge and what will be revealed to me. 

In a recent sermon, Pastor Shonn Keels talked about fasting with purpose.  It is obvious that abstaining from all alcohol has its health benefits, but I wanted a deeper challenge.  I wanted to cut something out of my life while enriching my life with something else.  I am already in the Word more; between our New Testament class with Pastor Jonathan Lawson and my morning devotional time, I am well on my way to hiding His Word in my heart (Psalm 119:11).  I truly believe that the extra time I have carved out of my day to spend with God has helped me to hear Him with more clarity.  I did not have to pray long on what my purpose was to be during this fasting and I cannot explain with my mere words what it is like have a revelation smack in the core of your heart or the joy that comes from knowing you are connected directly with the God of the universe. 

During the span of 365 days, I will attempt to memorize the Sermon on the Mount.  The seed was planted several months back when I heard Pastor Steven Furtick of Elevation Church say that his father had memorized it.  I saw the Sermon on the Mount described as "How to live a life that is dedicated to and pleasing to God, free from hypocrisy, full of love and grace, full of wisdom and discernment."  I know it is not going to be easy, definitely harder than giving up the alcohol, but may be one of the most worthwhile tasks I have tried to tackle thus far in my life.  Last year Pastor Clay challenged the staff at Barefoot to memorize the Book of Titus (it being about leadership).  In the beginning I would often hear staffers reciting to each other in various parts of the church, but that didn't last long.  I have often wondered how many people completed that challenge -- I had heard that Greg and Krista Hoff had done it, but have never asked.  The staff at Barefoot are dedicated, committed people and that many of them did not finish this task speaks of how difficult an undertaking it must be. 

The Sermon on the Mount begins at Matthew 5:3 and ends at Matthew 7:27.  It consists of 107 verses and contains about 2000 words.  In it Jesus talks about the character of those of the kingdom of heaven (the Beatitudes), he expounds on the Ten Commandments, he teaches about prayer, fasting, money, and warns of false prophets.  The Sermon on the Mount is Jesus telling us how to live -- perfect for carrying in the heart as we are living our daily lives.  Pastor Clay gave us a formula today that I am putting into practice.  H3 = world changer.  Head, heart, hands.  The Word in my head, transforming my heart, coming out through my hands, my actions. 

It is a daunting task, but one that I know will help me grow in my walk with Christ (increase my "stride",  so to speak) and make me a brighter light for others to find their way to Him and experience the joy that only He can bring. 

2 Timothy 3:16-17

Belonging to a "life group" has been such a major part of my growth as a person, in my faith, and has helped me to feel very connected in a church as large as Barefoot.  Many Hands, One Heart (our group) has been meeting for going on two years now and is comprised of a mish-mash of people.  Many life groups form based on age or other common bonds, but One Hearters initially drew people in due to the fact that child-care was available.  Dad, Mom, Brandon, and I - though we didn't need childcare - joined so we could belong to a life group with my sister Leslie.  Since then we have had people move on, but have had many others join, usually because they knew someone else in the group.  We participate in studies, fellowship, and pray for one another.  I love every single One Hearter and have been so thankful to come together with them once a week.  I cannot count how many times our Thursday nights uplifted me when I truly needed it.

We took some time off around the holidays because of everyone's busier than usual schedule and finally met again last Thursday.  Our facilitator, Darrell, presented us with a predicament.  He and his wife Angela have extremely busy schedules for the next 6-8 weeks so they gave us a choice of taking an extended break, having someone else facilitate in their absence, or a rotation of people facilitating.  We agreed upon a rotation and felt it might be beneficial for us to review the previous weekend's sermon -- this gave everyone at least a jumping off point.  When it came time for someone to volunteer for the first week, no-one was saying anything.  I began to think maybe I should do it, but was boring a hole in my Dad's head with my eyes hoping he would step up, but he was deep in conversation with Mike.  Should I do it?  Brandon jabbed me in the leg and said quietly, "You should do it!"  Before I knew it my mouth was open and somehow words were coming out saying, "I'll do it."

Gulp.

I always take notes during the weekend message, but as Pastor Lucas Board was preaching, I was also thinking ahead to what we might talk about on Thursday night.  The first piece of scripture he used was from Ezekiel 37 and I immediately heard the Casting Crowns' song "Spirit Wind" in my head.  This is a song that has captured my imagination and actually pushes me forward in my reading of the Bible - I have very much been anticipating reading the book of Ezekiel in its entirety.  I started it one night after my regular reading plan to see what it was all about and thought, "Wow, this is a lot different from the other books I have read".  I decided to read the rest of it when I get there.

Now, I am not a Bible scholar and I am definitely not a teacher so I began to search the internet for a lesson on Ezekiel 37 that I could follow and supplement.  I found one and typed up the questions for the group and kept the entire study (questions and answers) for myself.  Initially I felt that this was going the easy route (cheating), but I have since realized that in this endeavor I am learning too.  I am not only learning about this passage of scripture, but about teaching the Word of God, and stepping out of my comfort zone. 

As I was preparing everything, Brandon kept commenting on how proud he was of me -- I just kept telling him to be quiet so I could concentrate!  After I was done I looked at him and said, "I am so not qualified to do this".  He said, "You didn't have to volunteer because I told you to".  I said, "I didn't.  My mouth just opened up and words started coming out."  He then told me what I already knew -- that it was a push from the Holy Spirit.

Laying in bed last night once again I began to think of how I am not qualified to be teaching anything from the Bible.  I was nervous, tossing and turning, and wondering if I would get any shut-eye.  And then like a lightning bolt, Lucas Board's words from last weekend's message hit me full force.  "God does not call the qualified.  He qualifies the called."  Finally I had some peace and was able to get a good night's sleep.

I am still nervous and will be all day, but I have a couple things on my side.  These people love me and support me.  I am being obedient to the prompting of the Holy Spirit and God will bring the strength, peace, and the words I need for me and and my fellow One Hearters to dive a little deeper and extract a more clear message from His Word.